Some Quick, Unedited Feelings

So my life has been kind of wild lately! I’ve spent the last week trying to assemble some sort of a formal blog, but I just don’t have the focus or stamina at the moment. I guess I haven’t fully processed everything that’s gone on, so it’s hard to put everything into words. I made the decision today to write down my feelings instead of a timeline of events, in hopes that that would be easier. So here we go!

I’ve touched briefly on my experience with Serotonin Syndrome and I do plan on writing a more explanatory blog on what it is, but I’m just not ready yet. All I have to say is, it was really freaking scary! I’m a pretty tough cookie, but I was honestly terrified the whole time. I was admitted to the hospital on a Sunday and by Tuesday, I wasn’t sure if I was going to live through it; I have never felt that sick in my entire life. It’s one thing to be in excruciating pain, but it’s another thing not to have any control over your body. I couldn’t control my stomach, my temperature, my movements, or my emotions. To this day, over 2 weeks later, I still don’t have full control back. I still can’t hold food down without Gravol, I still become randomly hypothermic, I still randomly tremor, and I still randomly have panic attacks for no reason. It’s going to be like this for months.

I’ve had people comment and say that this was my doctor’s fault and that they over-medicated me. All I have to say to that is, only my doctors and my close family can fully grasp this situation. My doctors have done absolutely everything they can to make me more comfortable. They are fighting something that they don’t know a lot about and that there’s not a magic medication or procedure for. All they can do is try and treat the pain and all of its comorbidities. This was a fluke situation that could not have been avoided unless they didn’t try to help at all. Because Serotonin Syndrome is considered a poisoning, they had to cold turkey me off of a number of medications. I am now learning what it’s like to be off of the medications and I can confidently tell you that I was on them for a reason; being off of these medications has increased my suffering. This is not a situation where it’s appropriate to place blame. I am so incredibly grateful for my specialists and the doctors that helped me through this because I would not be alive if it were not for them.

Moving on to the second big update, I’m having brain surgery again. It hasn’t even been a week since I got the news, so my feelings around it are still pretty under-developed. My initial reaction was excitement, followed by some underlying “holy shit.” I’m grappling with the concept of hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I know how hard I fell after the last surgery failed, and yet, I would do it all over again just to have those few months without pain. I’m comforted by the thought of “at least I can say I tried everything.” I’ve been making an effort to feel my feelings instead of compartmentalizing this whole experience; I want to be as mentally prepared for this surgery as I can be. For the first time in years, I’m not telling myself to swallow my aspirations. Getting to finish school and get a job and move out and get married and start a family – these don’t feel like unattainable, fairy-tale dreams anymore. It’s invigorating and terrifying all at the same time!

I think that covers everything I’m able to articulate at the moment. I just want to say that I am so thankful for your guys’ support, love, and time. I hope there’s a day where I can give back to all those who have given to me! I know it will happen one day.

Mackenzie